What Healthy Relationships Actually Look Like

Today there is a great amount of talk about what makes a relationship healthy or unhealthy and that some relationships are emotionally, sexually, or physically abusive. It’s great that awareness is spreading about these types of relationship because it helps people identify situations they may need to leave, however it is less prominent to hear about what a healthy relationship looks like and how to build one. Here are a few guidelines about what good relationship health looks like:

Communication

Nearly everyone agrees that effective communication is essential for building a healthy relationship, but what does this really involve? Communication can be both verbal and non-verbal--both are very important and speak volumes about a relationship’s health. When good communication is happening, both people feel heard, safe, supported, accepted, and loved. This does not mean partners need to agree on everything (quite the contrary—disagreements are actually an essential part of healthy relationships), but when couples are communicating effectively, they aren’t creating an environment of judgment, criticism, or condescension.

Observe How You Feel

Too often people get out of a relationship, look back and realize they knew all along it was not a good fit. They identify that they never felt comfortable to be themselves around their partner, didn’t actually enjoy spending time together, or felt that person truly understood them. When getting into any new relationship (or while in an established one), take a moment to observe how you feel in it and with that person. Do you feel happy when you’re with them much of the time? Do you understand each other’s sense of humor? Do you feel like you can be your honest self with them? Even if your relationship is not toxic or abusive, if you answered no to most of these questions, it just may not be the best fit and that’s okay.

Separate but Similar

Think of two people in a relationship like two great foods that taste even better together, such as pie and ice cream. On their own, pie and ice cream are tasty desserts but when you bring them together, it’s a special event and downright delicious. They complement each other and lift each other up. Two people in a healthy romantic relationship are very similar. Each person can have their own identity and be supported and lifted up by the other partner’s identity. When looking for a partner, it can be important to find someone you’re not only physically attracted to but who shares similar life values as you. This means doing life with each other and not necessarily for each other. Supporting each other and loving each other while being your own unique selves.

Trust and Respect

Building trust in a relationship means both partners being dependable, reliable, and honest. Trust is more than just not cheating on your partner with another person, but it’s about knowing your partner will share their opinions and thoughts honestly and will follow through on promises made. One of the fastest ways to erode trust is when partners begin to belittle each other or view each other with contempt. Treating each other with respect, equality, and dignity is essential to developing and maintaining trust within a relationship.

Showing Appreciation

It sounds small, but frequently expressing appreciation to your partner for who they are and what they do helps them feel valued and loved. Appreciation can be communicated in many ways, including saying “thank you”, giving physical affection, or even giving small gifts. It’s important to find the ways your partner feels most appreciated, as this can vary by person. As time goes by and a relationship becomes more established, frequent expressions of gratitude are more and more necessary. It’s all too easy to get stuck in routines and forget to thank your partner for being their wonderful selves and for doing the little things.

The bottom line is that even though relationships can be challenging at times and do take effort and work from both partners, a healthy relationship should enrich your life a majority of the time. Feeling heard, respected, and valued for who you are are vital characteristics to look for in any intimate relationship or even friendships.

The Problem with Mindfulness

In recent years, Mindfulness Practice has gotten a lot of attention. It is part of recommended treatments for everything: from anxiety and depression (see archived articles on this blog) to cancer and pain management. There are numerous physical and mental health benefits from mindfulness meditation, and it is practically risk-free, so what could be the problem?

Despite my obvious affection for it, I do take issue with how mindfulness meditation is sometimes approached, particularly considering its growing popularity. People hear how effectively it helps high stress--and other conditions--so they download apps or stream videos on YouTube and give it a whirl! Though these resources house fantastic guided mindfulness practices, this is often where the problem begins.

Mindfulness is defined by Jon Kabat-Zinn as, “paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally”. When mindfulness meditation is practiced with the focus on relieving stress, it can frequently have the opposite effect. We start setting expectations for ourselves and for mindfulness, like:

• “I should be able to do this, it’s so simple”
• “This is supposed to be relaxing. Why don’t I feel relaxed?”
• “This isn’t working. There must be something wrong with me”
• “I’ve done this a few times now and I’m still depressed/anxious/stressed. I knew this wouldn’t work.”

When this happens, we lose sight of the fact that mindfulness is meant to be practiced with the sole expectation of being present in that moment, nonjudgmentally. That’s the goal. All the other things are wonderful, helpful, fantastic side effects.

So if you’ve given up on the idea that mindfulness could be for you, or if you’ve tried practicing mindfulness and thought it was ineffective, I urge you to reconsider.

Try starting with the sole aim of paying attention to the present moment, without judgment. It sounds simple but this goal is plenty lofty.

Winter Blues

When the sun goes down earlier and the temperature drops, it feels natural to start “hibernating”. Does hunkering down on the couch under a blanket to read or binge watch tv for hours on end sound familiar? Our eating habits also turn toward starchy and sugary options--and those holiday treat traditions don’t help. So what do you do when these behaviors begin to impact your daily life?

What is it?

What was formerly known as Seasonal Affective Disorder is now called Depressive Disorder with Seasonal Pattern. It’s a “specifier” within the Depressive Disorders category (specifiers allow the diagnosing clinician to clarify particular characteristics of a disorder). What does that mean?

It means that a person can experience symptoms that are commonly associated with depression that align with certain seasons, usually fall and winter. The symptoms have a pattern of emerging at the beginning of cooler, darker seasons, and they recede with the return of warmer, sunnier weather. Some people can experience seasonal depression during spring or summer months.

• Depressive episodes with a seasonal pattern are often characterized by the following symptoms:
• Lower than usual energy.
• Hypersomnia (excessive sleep).
• Overeating.
• Increased craving for starchy and sugary foods.
• Weight gain.

How can you combat Depressive Disorders with Seasonal Patterns? Here are some helpful suggestions.

 Light Box

Light therapy boxes are often used to treat seasonal depressive episodes. They emit a light that is similar to the sun, and it’s recommended that the user sits in front of it for about 30 minutes. Consider the following when purchasing a light box:

• Research! Make sure that the light won’t damage your eyes or skin.
• Check to see that it filters out UV light to protect your eyes.
• Talk to your doctor. It’s best to check in with your physician about the most effective products for your experience, as well as their recommended exposure time for you.

Dawn Simulator

With the sun rising later and later in the winter months, it can become extremely challenging to wake on time naturally--or with any sort of enthusiasm. Dawn simulators:

• Are alarm clocks that use full spectrum light instead of sound to gently wake you.
• Use light that brightens gradually and can be set to take 30 minutes to a couple hours to fully brighten before your wake time.
• Mimic a natural sunrise, and help you awaken in those darker hours of winter.

Move It!

As always, it’s so crucial to not just workout in the summer but to continue your routine through colder months. To stay active, healthy and happy:

• Do something to raise your heart rate and make you break a sweat for at least 30 minutes each day. Walk, swim, jog, box, play sports, anything! Just move.
• Spend time outside. Yes, I know it’s cold and it’s probably raining or even snowing*! I know the weather sucks, but push through, the fresh air is great for you and you’ll feel great.
• Also, you probably won’t melt so bundle up, be safe, and have fun moving your body!

Hydrate

Dehydration can have a slew of adverse effects on not only your body, but your brain too. Many studies are emerging highlighting the role hydration plays in mental health.

• Proper hydration has been linked with better mood and improved alertness. It’s vital as an aid for every bodily function.
• Staying hydrated can help you feel awake, focused, energized, and can curb cravings for starchy, sugary foods.
• In winter, it’s easy to forget to grab our water bottles before leaving the house. The summer heat serves as a natural reminder but hydrating is just as important when it’s cold--even when you aren’t breaking a sweat.
• Aim to consume anywhere from 88 to 128 ounces of water daily, depending on your biological sex and how much water you consume from other sources like fruits, vegetables, herbal tea, and low-sodium soup broth.

Establish an Active Routine

It’s so tempting to flop on the couch after a long day and commuting home in the dark. Do your best to stay off the couch for as long as possible and keep moving through the evening. Motivate yourself to:

• Make a healthy dinner, do some cleaning, go for an evening stroll, and save couch time for the very end of your night.
• Keep moving throughout your day, getting up at least once every hour to stretch your limbs and your back.

Eat Healthy

You know the drill here.

• Welcome fruits, veggies, whole grains, and lean proteins while enjoying simple carbohydrates (baked goods, cereals, sugar, white bread/pasta, soda, candy, etc) sparsely and in small amounts.
• Simple carbohydrates zap you of energy and can have a serious impact on your mood.

Supplement

Consult with your primary care physician about taking supplements, such as Vitamin D, to assist with symptoms of seasonal depressive episodes.

• Remember that vitamins and other supplements should be taken as carefully as other medication.
• Please talk with your physician before starting any supplement regimen, and research the manufacturer thoroughly, as they are not closely regulated like other medication manufacturers.

Therapy

Processing and tracking your symptoms of seasonal depressive episodes throughout the season can be very helpful in better understanding yourself and your needs. These symptoms can make relationships, jobs, and general daily living more difficult to maintain and manage. It can be helpful to work through these new challenges in regular therapy sessions.

Seasonal depressive episodes are very real and can impact your life in significant ways, especially for folks here in the gloomy Pacific Northwest. Take a moment to reflect on past seasons and whether the symptoms of seasonal depressive episode resonate with your experience. If so, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional soon. There’s plenty of hope for you to stay healthy and energized through the darkest months!

*Advances in clothing technology has resulted in some fantastic options for attractive, lightweight, thermal clothing to keep you warm in winter. What’s more is there are options that are possible for most every budget!